It is the first day of spring 2024 at Carolina Beach, a favorite haunt for Jay and me when we lived in North Carolina in the late 1980’s. Near Wilmington, this part of the state offered beaches and respite from our busy lives. We would go several times a year for long weekends and stay at our favorite family-run motels that were right on the water’s edge (or as close as one could get). We walked the beaches together, body surfed in the ocean, ate fresh seafood at locally run spots, and generally chilled. Definitely worth the five hours to get there from our home base in Charlotte.

Jay also did some collaborative microbiology research in the area at the nearby Aquarium at Fort Fisher, which included a memorable time when he lost his glasses in the surf while relaxing after a long day looking through microscopes. Blind as a bat without them, I remember receiving a panicked call asking me to find his spare pair and get them to a colleague in the Research Triangle Park (2 hrs away from Charlotte) who was getting ready to drive out and join the research team later that day.

The Wedding

Jay and I were married in Columbus, Ohio on the first day of spring, which happened to fall on March 22 that year. For the next 37 years, we typically celebrated our anniversary twice, once on the official first day of spring and the second on March 22. Even though he is gone, I still take a moment on both days every March to remember and celebrate that special day when our individual selves came together to forge an intricately entwined future.

We married on a weekend between the end of winter quarter and the beginning of finals week at The Ohio State University, where we were both graduate students. Our honeymoon consisted of one overnight at a state park lodge about two hours away. The next day, which was a Monday, we drove the small roads back to Columbus so we could get down to the business of studying for our exams. I don’t really remember much about the day. I do remember driving through Zanesville, Ohio and stopping at the Zane Gray Museum, which I believe was closed. We also stopped at a big pottery shop where I bought a clay pot with a wooden lid. That was it.

But we didn’t really care. Our wedding was fairly nontraditional from start to finish, and a big fancy affair and an expensive honeymoon weren’t important to us. I didn’t (and still don’t) have a diamond ring because I have never put much personal value on precious jewels, and I didn’t understand or like the whole idea of an engagement. I definitely did not want to be “given away” by my father so we designed a very different type of ceremony. I absolutely had no intention of giving up my name and Jay had to be ok with that. And even though both of our fathers were ministers in the United Church of Christ, neither Jay nor I wanted to be married in a church sanctuary with all the traditional liturgy. I had no bridesmaids and there were no groomsmen. I did not wear a floor-length wedding gown. Our reception was a do-it-ourselves dinner affair hosted by the best home chefs in my family - my Aunt Margaret, my cousin Phil (brother of David, about whom I wrote in a previous article you can find here), and my mother’s cousin Rhea (who was one of the children left behind in Fredonia during the Larson’s 1938 California trip). We exchanged vows that we wrote ourselves.

The Beginning

Jay and I had met about two years earlier when he moved to Columbus from Flagstaff, Arizona to pursue his Ph.D. in medical microbiology. His father had gone to the same college and seminary as my father, so they knew each other and had kept in touch over the years. When Jay’s dad mentioned to my dad that Jay would be relocating to Columbus, my parents offered to put him up at their house until he got himself settled. He took them up on that offer, and when he arrived, my parents asked my sister Carol and I to welcome him and show him around the city. I was living near the university at the time finishing up my undergraduate degree, and Carol was in town for the summer but would be moving to New England that fall.

Carol and I did what we could to introduce Jay to our friends and help him navigate finding a place to live. When Carol left town at the end of the summer I continued to spend time with him. As we got acquainted I became enamored with his intellect, the quirky way his brilliant mind worked, his humor, and seemingly endless well of obscure facts. He truly was a walking encyclopedia. We would go out to dinner and hours later would realize we had no idea where the time went. I found him fascinating, and handsome, and unconventional. A winning combination in my book! I eventually moved into the house he shared with two medical students when one of the housemates moved out and left an empty room.

The Event

We announced our intention to marry to my mother and father on a New Year’s Eve. Jay and I spent the evening there (we were not really big holiday partiers) and the plan was to tell them before we left that night. As the evening progressed we just couldn’t seem to find the right time. Finally, at about 11pm we decided we had waited long enough, and Jay simply burst out, “Let’s have some news!”

My father responded by saying something to the effect that, of course, sure, we could turn on the news, and started for the TV. Jay had to start again. “No! We have some news!” (it should probably be noted that I was no help whatsoever, and totally left Jay out there dangling on the vine by himself). This second attempt got their attention. It was a total surprise to both of them because I had intentionally kept the relationship a secret up to that point (hence my nervousness about revealing it in such a big way). Although I had moved into a house with Jay and several med students the previous summer, I had moved back to my parents’ house when they went to Chicago for my father’s sabbatical during the fall. They would not have approved of our living together (things were different back then…) so I let them go ahead and think that I was just one more housemate sharing space and costs. As with many attempts to cover the truth, my ruse unravelled once we decided we would indeed tie the knot.

After Jay’s fumbling start, they finally figured out what we were trying to say, and recovered quickly with excited hugs all around. We immediately called Jay’s parents, who lived in Bismarck, North Dakota at the time, and they were also very surprised when they heard the news over the phone. I had not yet met anyone in Jay’s family, and in fact would not meet them until the rehearsal dinner the evening before the wedding. I remember being pretty shy and awkward that evening on the telephone. Jay’s mother was very kind, warm and welcoming, and made the conversation easy.

The wedding was less than three months away so we had to move fast. We dove into the planning and, thinking that we would keep things small and informal, did not send any invitations, relying on word of mouth getting to the small number of invitees. Not the best decision in retrospect because it resulted in a fair amount of confusion on the part of various relatives who didn’t know whether they were invited or expected to be there or not. What can I say - we clearly didn’t know what we were doing!

This is his description of our planning process:

ATT, RAT, JRT, and NRT,

Well, I guess I messed up this wedding business pretty well. I didn’t say anything at Christmas because the deal wasn’t finalized and the previous abortive engagement left me reticent. (unbeknownst to me when I first met him, Jay arrived in Ohio on the heels of a bad breakup he left behind in Arizona. Apparently, after proudly announcing their engagement to his entire family, she broke up with him after moving in with his best friend). As to the roundabout distribution of the news…God only knows what’s really going on. We (Susan Marie Lebold and I) originally thought of a nuclear family sort of ritual, but this region is teeming with Lebolds with tight, extended family ties… people that are not going to let their little Susie go unsupported. So plans expanded. What I really mean to say is that I would be most pleased if you could come. It is on rather short notice, and somewhat inconvenient I’m sure. Our quarter ends the 21st, which is the primary scheduling factor involved. I really had no idea it was Toosie and Stan’s anniversary (Jay’s aunt and uncle).

Susan is the daughter of Keene and Joan Lebold …The ceremony (celebration) will occur sometime the afternoon of the 22nd … I hope the little map will give you an idea as to the relationship of things, hopefully you’ll not have to rely on it in any substantive way. …

Susan will keep her name, although we have agreed that children should take mine, due to the excess of Lebolds over Stoerkers. The wedding will be on the nontraditional side, sort of American gothic-Eastern orthodox-Evangelical Cosmology. … The major themes of the service will hopefully be union as represented by the circle; past and future of the human condition, union of families… that sort of thing. …

Addressing the subject of gifts, don’t feel any obligation. It’s quite enough that you’re coming half way across the country.

Jay then drew a couple of diagrams to illustrate the layout, and wrote at the bottom of the page:

The overall feeling of the day is to be a family celebration at which a wedding takes place.

Jay’s family did indeed make it to the celebration. I was a bit overwhelmed meeting them all for the first time at the rehearsal dinner, but we seemed to blend together quite well and their love and kindness helped my shyness melt away.

Here is my father’s voice describing the event:

SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT!!

On New Year’s night, Sue and Jay announced their intention to marry during spring break at Ohio State. Although we knew they had been good friends for a couple of years, their love for each other deepened during the fall while we were away in Chicago on sabbatical leave, so it came as a surprise to us! We were happy and pleased for them and started right in to plan the kind of wedding they wanted, in less than three months.

We would love to have had present with us everyone who has been close to our family through the years, and who loves Susan, but they wanted a small, nontraditional wedding. “Small” meant immediate family and “non-traditional” meant guests standing in a single circle during the ceremony. As a result, no invitations were sent, and this is our announcement to you of this happy event. Sue kept saying, “oh, I wish (so and so) were coming.” and so did we, but having set limits, we tried to respect the meaning Jay and Susan wanted for the ceremony itself.

…

When all had arrived, we walked together to form one large circle, with parents on one side of the circle facing Jay and Sue and grandparents on the opposite side. At each side of the circle stood Judy, Jay’s sister and his principal witness, and Carol, Sue’s principal witness. In the center of the circle was a small table with a white cloth, candle, bread and juice for communion. Behind us in a circle were eight tables set up for our meal.

During the invocation we all joined hands as a symbol of the family love that surrounds and supports Jay and Susan as they begin their life together. After the homily by Jay’s dad… Jay and Sue, Win and Keene and Judy and Carol all went to stand around the small table. Keene read to them what he had written for them about the meaning of “covenant” and then they spoke to each other the vows they had written together. After the pronouncement of marriage, Jay and Susan shared Communion together and then gave it to their family and friends around the circle. After the prayer of praise and thanksgiving, we all got to hug and kiss them and each other.

The banquet was a joyful sharing too — we planned and cooked it with lots of help coming from family members who brought dessert, flowers, tablecloths, etc. … All present helped to make it the significant day Susan and Jay wanted for themselves and for their loved ones.

Eighteen of Jay’s relatives came from North Dakota, Missouri, Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio and Washington, D.C. They all welcomed Sue into their family with love and warmth. (Incidentally, Keene and Jay’s father Win went to Elmhurst College together, as did Jay’s Aunt Ruth!) It has been fun to welcome Jay into our family and our circle is now a little larger.

Sue and Jay plan to be in Columbus another year or two at least while Jay finishes his doctorate in micro-biology and Sue finishes law school. … They have been moving into their apartment this week between terms — and Jay has a final exam on Friday, March 27. They hope to be all moved by Monday when classes start again. Although married, they wish to be addressed as Susan Lebold and Jay Stoerker.

We hope that all of you receiving this “surprise announcement” will be visiting us in Columbus in the near future and will have a chance to get acquainted with Jay. We send our love and best wishes!! Hope to see you soon!!

Final Thought

This year somehow seemed more significant than those in more recent years, perhaps because I am in the state where we lived for seven years early in the marriage. We had no children in those years and so we “played” more while we lived here. For some reason I decided it was time to share the special memories of the special day and our beginnings with all of you.

I close with the vows we wrote. The index card is a little beat up and you can still see the sweaty fingerprints. Jay kept this card in his pocket just in case one of us needed it during the ceremony - which we did not!